there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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