Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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