i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
