hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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