It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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