make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
