My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
