I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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