Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
