if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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