Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
