I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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