I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
