Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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