It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
