i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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