I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
