dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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