Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
