I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
