WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
