ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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