There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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