I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize