I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize