i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
