It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
