she woke up with a sticky ear
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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