dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize