I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
