my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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