I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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