seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
