does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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