In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
