I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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