I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
