ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
