3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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