I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
