The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
