Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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