Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
