Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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