Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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