the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize