An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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