No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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