my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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