My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
