Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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