she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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