Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
