Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I love you. Go after that dick
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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