I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
