I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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