Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
