A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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