I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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