fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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