ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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