I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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