She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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