I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
