dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize