be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
