Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
