so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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