I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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