he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
