She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
