It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
